It’s been a month or so since I have been working on the project of “Violated Women” and for some reason it may have been the title or because I was fighting against myself. It took some soul searching because I wanted to keep the name because I wanted other women to join me as I told my story of being victimized. As with any documentary situations change and people change their mind to be documented. I was so head strong on making sure that I had three women so the film would talk to all women, not every woman is ready to heal. Though many of my close friends said to me it’s your story, your situation is so valuable and your voice is so perfect to tell the story of inspiration and hope. As most of us in life we ignore our close friends and family, they quickly reminded me of my accomplishments and struggles and kept the spirit. I took some time to think about what folks were saying and they were absolutely right I didn’t need to wait for other women to join me and tell their story. I was a story myself and what better person to have access to than myself. My biggest enemy is usually myself: how I’m not right, it has to be better, it’s not going my way always finding excuses to fight with myself.
So as I have been rewriting the treatment I realized I am the voice. I am the creative energy and the inspiration to get this party started. Though many of us filmmakers have an ego we don’t want our film to be trash or be a flop so we have this strong anxiety to get it right.
I have a great start of crew and still need more people committed to bring this project to fruition. Dr. Kate Cerulli (consultant on film) first introduced the idea of changing the name a few weeks ago, I was sort of hesitant because I didn’t want to change the concept of the project. I understand her concern that I would need funding and that title just might scare folks. I am excited about the title now because it makes the statement of how I felt when I was pregnant, after I had my daughter and how I continued to love her even after the worst was done to me. It takes some kind of love to have a child from a man that hurt you physically and mentally.
I realized this subject about rape is her subject to talk about. I feel like it might be easier talking about racism than about unwanted sex. Most men don’t want to have this conversation because it’s just a turn off and they don’t want to have a conversation that makes them feel uncomfortable.
I am still working on my film treatment & synopsis now that I have drastically changed the direction. I am my own worst enemy just getting the writing portion out has been difficult. Though my personal life has had some road bumps this week I am truly thankful for time I was able to work through my project. I have been creatively planning on writing a poem to my daughter visually using the film as my backdrop to say what I feel. I also want to take the time to inform young women about the resources that are out in society for them. I realized by researching Rochester community there are few resources for victims of violence dealing with rape. Hoping that when I am finished with this project there is a FREE rape survivor group so that there is support group for folks like myself.
My goal is to educate other survivors with organizations and groups that can assist while survivors get the mental health support they need. Though you may survive from the act of rape the mental anxiety is still there deep down inside. I have been yearning to find peace by defining my spirituality and staying true to my faith. Looking forward to going to Cuba for my birthday so I can define my spirituality in Yoruba. Lauryn Hill use to sing “How you gonna win if your not right within” how am I gonna make a difference with my films if my heart and soul are not right within? That is the question I asked myself and realized I have to make that trip for my soul. You may ask why Cuba? The Yoruba religion is strong in Cuba and is based on believing in a supreme being through natural elements, believers must follow a series of commandments; the 16 laws of Ifá, the origin is attributed to the pronouncements of Orunmila, the orisha of wisdom and divinations. My third eye has been open and I have been up early in the morning the creator has been speaking to me to stay still. I believe when your still and your soul is still you can hear the voice of the creator speak to you.
My team and I will be having our first production meeting this Friday and looking forward to folks meeting each other and updating them on the change of name and my goals for the documentary.